Bin Laden translation

Having long distrusted the conventional news media, I had to translate the latest Bin Laden tape myself to verify its contents. So, after a long night with my Arab-American Dictionary, I'm able to report that the "warning" from Osama is a far cry from what's been reported. My translation follows:

"Infidels, it's your boy Osama again. I have many things to say to you, but first things first. The Boston Red Sox? I hear this and nearly crap my robe! I spend one year in a cave and suddenly the America I love to hate has gone all topsy-turvy. Allah be praised that threw me for a loop. Perhaps your Arizona Cardinals are poised to win your "Super Bowl", too yes? And your "Yahn-keys", they choke like Osama on a porkchop, no?"
Now, there will be much talk of the timing of my message, I realize. Oh, Osama is trying to influence election!, they will say. It is not true. The fact is, Osama cares not about your democratic process. The truth is, when you live in a cave and your only neighbors are goats and he who take care of goat, when camera man comes by, you take that opportunity to make tape. Camera man comes last week, so I make tape. It's the logistics, stupid.
But as long as you've got Osama started, let us talk of the politics. Bush and Kerry? This is the best you have to offer, America? I do not think so. I study your land for sometime, and I see many whom I imagine are preferable leaders. Off the top of my turban, I have many: =
Cher: She sing and act and is ageless! A fine leader, to be sure.
Lou Holtz: Have you seen the turnaround at South Carolina? That man can coach!
Walt Disney: I admit, even Osama loved "The Lion King"
The Carrot Top: I know, I know, but he makes Osama laugh. I am sorry.
There, four for four, of the top of head. Osama is genius, no?
Americans, serious now. I see that "Friends" is canceled and I am so upset! What will Osama do on Thursday? Osama loved "Friends!" And I see they have the spin-off "Joey". Osama is dubious, to be sure. Osama remembers "Rhoda." But I watch and do you know? Allah be praised is so funny! And the girl from Sopranos? Oh my, Osama is just really loving it.
Camera man is signaling that battery is low. Osama must get back to cave. Death to your culture.

Thanks Jon Bon. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Who's screening the celebrity endorsements these days?
Yesterday's triumphant Kerry-Springsteen rally was
nearly overshadowed by the craptastic debacle that was
the Jon Bon Jovi-Edwards joint appearance.
Lookit. This isn't rocket science.
Bruce= Beloved national folk hero. Adored world-wide.
Unparralleled record of artistic integrity.
Jon Bon= Beloved in rapidly diminishing stretches of
coastal New Jersey. Unparralleled record of sucking.
Moreover, and I can't stress this enough: you don't
put a man with better hair on the same stage as John
Edwards. Do not, repeat, do not distract from that
Vice-presidential coiffure. Take away the hair and
people are going to get bored with that "daddy swept
floors at the factory" speech.
It's like it's suddenly amateur hour over on the
Kerry-Edwards campaign. Pull it together guys.
On the bright side, I'm sure Jon Bon locked up the
crucial demographic of Aqua-netted acid-washed
skeeball players.

GW's post election itinerary Part II

If I lose:
9 am: Wake up. Rent "Beaches". Cry a little.
10 am: Reflect on all the good I did.
10:01 am: Remember that reflection is Laura's thing. Move on.
11 am: Update Resume. See if Mr. Cheney will serve as reference.
12 pm: Call Crawford Hardware. Enquire about stockboy position.
1 pm: Call Horseface. Make fart noises into phone. Hang up. Repeat.
2 pm: Shotgun Miller Lites with the twins.
3 pm: Call Colin. Apologize for the emasculation and everything.
4 pm: Plan Coalition of the Willing surprise party.
5 pm: Take some "me" time. Stop sweating the small stuff.
6 pm: Write thank you letters to the cabinet.
7 pm: Eat like, a ton of chocolate ice cream!
8 pm: Put on PJs. Ask Laura to read me bedtime story of Grover Cleveland and his non-consecutive terms. Git all fired up for '08.

G.W.'s election day itinerary

If I win:
9:00 a.m. Call and taunt Jeb.
10 a.m. Call Stinky, Lemmy, Buckshot, Bullseye, Trickdaddy, Moleboy and the rest of the DKE crew.
11 a.m. Get wasted with the brothers.
12 p.m. Find Jesus. Resolve to quit drinking (for the rest of the day!)
1 p.m. Quell riots.
2 p.m. Wrestle with Barney
3 p.m. Dismantle remainder of New Deal social programs
4 p.m. Watch Judge Judy (next Sup ct. Justice?!)
5 p.m. Nap
6 p.m. Eat dinner (macaroni and cheese and toast!)
7 p.m. Sell National Parks
8 p.m. Tax cut
9 p.m. Watch "According to Jim", Tivo "Gilmore Girls"
10 p.m. Look into grave and growing threat that is Canada.
11 p.m. Sleep like a lamb. Have the superhero dream again (I wish!)

Arancio Fuedo Syrah

This Sicillian Syrah is the perfect remedy for all the over-bearing fruit-crazy Australian Shirazes everyone seems to be so nuts about. Simple, earthy, full of flavor and food-friendly, and at 6.99 at the local wine shop, buy a few of this boy.

Bill

So, if you're GW, you ask yourself this:
How badly have I screwed up the country that Slick Willy bounds back onto the scene, and voters are reminded of a purer, more innocent time?
Dude, Bill Clinton has a stronger moral compass than you.
Bill.
Clinton.
Look, I love Bill as much as the next Democrat, but anyone who doesn't think he's a creep is kidding themselves.
Also, let us reflect on those people who were once worthy of our admiration, but due to their relentless shilling for Bush/Cheney '04, are no longer so:
John McCain- So, you loathe, loathe, loathe, George Bush and everyone knows it. Also, you and John Kerry are good friends. Also, you are hitting the road talking about what a superb president G.W. is. Ummm, so when do you yell "psyche!", put GW in a headlock and give him the noogie of a lifetime.
Rudy Guliani- Rudy, you're pro-choice. Your best friend are gay. Go sit in the corner.
Laura Bush- Don't be fooled. She'd grind your bones to make her bread if she could.
Arnold- Never worthy of our admiration, I grant you. But formerly harmless like a big Austrian puppy. Now? Harmful like a big Austrian puppy. Uncle Teddy is Pissed.
George W. Bush- I know I'm not the only one who held out hope the President would take a good long look at the facts and endorse Kerry. Now that it's been revealed that George W. Bush is a big George W. Bush supporter, I lose all all (all!) respect.

Castle Rock Pinot Noir

Why do I even bother with sub $10 pinot?
Oh right, because I have so little money. Well then, in that case,
this $9.99 offering is not terribly shabby. Set your expectations low and you might be pleasantly surprised. Fuller bodied than your typical pinot, that's for sure.

More than just bacon

Should I ever find myself drafted, or a wanted criminal, it's good to know I won't have to go without decent wine. Why?
It's simple--Canada puts out a very respectable product.
While vacationing in Ontario some months back, I let the lady at the local liquor store steer me towards a few choice bottles. Each one I've since had has been really delicious, and none cost over $9 American.
The Eastern Canadian wine growing region is located in southern Ontario, near the shores of the Great Lakes. The unique microclimate produces excellent Rieslings and Cabs, as well as some lesser known varieies like the Baco Noir.
This week I opened a bottle of Jackson-Triggs Meritage, a blend of Cab Sav and Franc and Merlot. As is apparently typical, the flavors are lean and tight,--the polar opposite of California or Australia--but I found the wine to be incredibly interesting, and eminently drinkable. If sold here in Virginia, I'd buy it all the time.
God bless you crazy canucks.

An open letter to my constishents

Murican People,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank y'all good, strong folk for standing behind ol G W the past few weeks. Did y'all see my debates with "Scary Kerry"? Ya did? Dang, whatsamatter with you folks? Shoulda known your pal G.W. can't hang with them Yale boys....I did?...When?...the 60s? Well, I'm sure my matriculation was totally awesome!
The message of them debates was clear. My opponent, I'll call him "horseface" on account of his horse-like face! Heh heh heh heh. Cuz his long face? Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Naw I'm serious. Horseface is what I like to call a "September 10" person. Lookit, a "September 11 person,"--which FYI I am-- does not act like that. You see ol GW taking up with a saucy European ketchup heiress? Heck no! That crap is pure September 10. Look at my girl Laura. She don't even like ketchup!
Horseface also likes to pass "global tests". Y'all like tests? I hate 'em. English, countin', breathalyzer, none ever been good to GW and it's never been good to the Murican people. "Hey everyone, I'm horseface, Oh world, yea world, hey could you please give me a test? Also, you forgot to give America homework, don't forget! I loves homework!"
Y'all like that? That's my horseface.
Lookit, I'm splitting'. I love y'all. Vote for Stinky Jeb in '08.
GW

Columbia Crest Two Vines Shiraz 2002

There's a lot of buzz around this wine. Wine Spectator gave the 2001 90 points, and the Washington Post called the 2002 even better. A WS 90 point rating for an $8 wine is unheard of, so I was eager to snap up both the 2001 and 2002. After drinking them both, I'm reminded of just how subjective a subject wine is, and moreover, how silly numerical ratings are. The bottom line: I don't really care for this wine, just like I don't care for bananas; just like I don't care for raisins. I just don't really like the taste. To me, this is a one note pony (pardon the mixed metaphor) of smooth, big fruit. It's ok, but it reminds me very much of the 20 other $8 Australian Shirazes my supermarket currently stocks. Interestingly, my friends tended to really enjoy this bottle
If offered, I would gladly drink a glass of this wine. On the other hand, I would not buy this wine, and I can think of twenty wines in the same price range I would much prefer.

Post Election Fallout

Let's assume for a moment that Kerry wins, the election is not seriously contested, and G.W. and his goons agree to vacate the White House by the January inauguration. (The latter two scenarios appear increasingly unlikely, I realize.) What happens in the Nov-Jan interregnun? I tell you what happends-- a whole bunch of awful stuff.
Recall that good 'ol Bill Clinton used his lame duck period to usher through a host of radical, impressive executive orders. He issued the Roadless Rule for America's Wilderness areas, for instance. Snowmobiles were banned in a variety of National Parks, too. Now, unless you were a timber company, a jerk, or a jerky timber company, those sorts of executive orders were fantastic, and you were delighted to see Clinton finally do something beneficial with his presidency. He also used this time period to pardon a bunch of creeps, too, but I choose not to dwell on that.
Now, imagine Karl Rove, Richard "Dick" Cheney, and George (who will no doubt be locked in his room, blasting ZZ Top, still pouting from the election results--Karl and Dick have long since learned he can be lured out with the promise of a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, however) with just two more months to remake the world to their liking. So, G.W. wins, four more years of slow and steady national destruction. G.W. loses, two months to cram the four year plan in.
I do hope they pardon Martha Stewart, though. That poor woman.

Georges Duboeuf 2003 Reserve Shiraz

This $7 dollar wine is part of a new line of Duboeuf wines aimed at the American market, hence a French wine calling itself a "Shiraz" instead of "Syrah". Robert Parker recently raved about this wine, giving it 88+ points. Personally, I give it a big fat, "ehhhhh?" It's lean and fruity, which is nice, but it also tastes very, very young, and has that weird hint of banana that Beaujolais Nouveau packs. Georges Duboeuf, coincidentally, is considered the king of B. N. So, worth $7? Probably so, but nothing to get too worked up about.

Wine words that have to go

Too often, people who write wine reviews use impossibly obscure flavors or scents to describe a wine taste or smell. This has to stop.
Here are five overused descriptive words that I never want to read again, as they mean nothing to me:
1. Cassis
2. Lychee
3. Lemon Curd
4. Currant
5. Gooseberry
Now maybe some of you are eating gooseberries and currants by the handful. But I doubt it.

Cheney Daughter

Dick, Lynne, please settle down.
Was it perhaps a little distasteful for Kerry to bring up Mary Cheney's homosexuality in answering a question. Yea, probably.
But it's also relevant.
Look, if the president is going to make a major issue in his campaign the fact that homosexuals are icky--which, realistically, he has--then the fact that his #2 has a gay daughter--one working for the campaign no less!-- is extremely relevant.
Now, while Kerry's words were poorly chosen, the backlash reeks of political opportunism. Oh Lynne and Dick are so mad, oooh, that Kerry he's so dirty! Give me a break.
Let's recall that John Edwards said much the same thing about Mary Cheney during the VP debate, and I believe Dick's comments were something along the lines of "Thank you, I appreciate that."
Cool it, Dick.
Easy there, Lynne.
You guys want to get mad? Why aren't you pissed at G. W. for just saying that he thinks your daughter's lifestyle might be a choice. Is that not more offensive?
Oh right, can't insult the big guy. Sorry. Keep fighting the good not-at-all politically-motivated-or-shameful fight.

Haircut brings good news

The middle-aged lady who cut my hair at the hair-cuttery gave me reason to hope yesterday. This lady, who I instinctually deduced was not much on current events (I know, I know, I'm a horrible snob, blah blah blah...), informed me that she had, in fact, watched all of the debates. That alone was heartening, but the best news came when she said, "Yea, I think I'm going to go for Kerry. I was for Bush, but I don't know. Kerry seems more concerned with the people."
That's it.
But's it's huge.
My haircut looks like crap, though.

2002 Domaine De La Brune

This blend of Syrah and Mourvedre from the Languedoc region of France is among the best wine values you're ever likely to come across. Nice mix of earth and leather notes to go with the fruit. A very, very interesting wine. About $7.00 at my local supermarket; the area wine stores consistently stock it, too, at a similar price.

Kerry kills

Bush was beaten badly last night. Rarely has the President appeared so outclassed on so many fronts. He was a 6 foot man in a 7 foot pool. While Bush was trying to strike the perfect balance in demeanor (No smirking! Look happy! Not that happy, googly-eyes!), Kerry had his new, concise and forceful demeanor down pat. There were moments--when Kerry spoke of religion, for instance--that were just damn near perfect. I felt he hit the ball out of the park on about 4 or 5 occasions.
Bush, on the other hand, came off as angry, self-righteous, and very, very blinky. (George, sweetheart, mix in some visine. Please).
My favorite Bush moments came when he repeatedly spoke of "unleashing the armies of compassion." Who wrote that crap?
Will the "armies of compassion" be supported by the "Air Force of Love"? Perhaps the "Navy of Sweetness" will come equipped with its tender torpedoes.
What a dreadful performance on the President's part.
On another note, why does John Kerry keep giving Laura Bush shout-outs? Is he angling for a date?

2000 Sylvie Spielman Bergheim Riesling

If you're still not drinking riesling, you're missing out. No other white wine delivers as much excitement at such affordable prices. This bone-dry 2000 Alsacian one I had last night hit on all the important points--acidic, minerally, citrus, etc.--all for $10! Now, whereas you can generally find any number of excellent cabs, chards or merlots in your local supermarket, riesling selections tend poorly picked and overly sweet. This is one grape where paying a visit to your local wine shop will make all the difference.

Best tasting vodka

Into every mouth, a little vodka must occasionally fall. Seriously, what's not to like? It mixes well, drinks fine on its own, and offers up a range of flavors--from fruit to minerals.
A trip to your local spirit retailer will no doubt present you with an overwhelming number of choices, as the vodka market has exploded in recent years. First things, first, spend the extra $ for quality. While a handle of vodka for $10 may have seemed like a good idea while you were in college, you'd be a fool to put any of that garbage in your body now--being the discerning consumer that you are. (Aren't you?)
Expect to pay between $15 and $24 for 750 ml. bottle of good vodka. You could pay more, but really there's no need to. And considering you're not an alcoholic (Are you?), a fifth of vodka should last you a good long while.
Here, in a rough order off the top of my head, are five excellent, well priced vodkas, each with distinctive flavors and all easy on the head the next morning.
1. Citadelle (Far and away the finest)
2. Rain
3. Tito's (Made in Texas!)
4. Three Olives
5. Ketel One

Internets

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --George W. Bush, October 8, 2004.

Hmmm, I heard tell of internets before, but I had no idea they was so malicious. God willing, George W. Bush (bless his heart) will take action, rid this country of them internets once and for all.
Now, I better get. Truckosaurus is stompin monster trucks at the Forum tonight, and I promised the Mrs. I'd take her out fer her Birthday.

Cavit Pinot Noir

Cavit is a large and popular Italian line of generally unremarkable wines. Their Pinot Grigio and Merlot appears to appeal to the demographic that likes to mix in a little vino with their Miller Light. Not surprisingly, their Pinot is as a generic as it comes, lacking any of the strawberry, coffee-earthiness that marks a solid pinot. Granted, this wine retails for about $7.00. Nevertheless, save your money

Lies and Primitivo

"I guess you could say I'm a good steward of the land", Bush said during the debate the other night, at the tail end of his wholly disengenuous spiel on his horrid envrionmental record.
Well, yes, George, you could say that, you could also say you're intelligent, trustworthy,thoughtful and not the worst president of the 20th century. None of these things would be true, mind you, but you could say them.
Drank a D&N Primitivo this evening with some peanut soup. Nuts are always a tricky pair, and this was no exception. The wine, though, is excellent. Worth every bit of its $7.99 price tag at the local Whole Foods. As you know, primitivo is what the Italians call Zinfandel. Just try to find a Zin this good in this price range. I give it a score of 145 on my impossibly complicated and unknowable 194 point scale.

Five good bargain reds

Here are five excellent wine values, in no particular order. All are readily available, and none top the $11 mark.

1. Columbia Crest Grand Estates Cabernet Sauvignon
2. Rock Rabbit Syrah
3. Alamos Malbec
4. Veramonte Cabernet Sauvignon
5. A-mano Primitivo

Not fine Virginia wine

Here in Virginia, we have a number of vineyards that produce a fair amount of very good wine. Seriously good wine, not just "good for Virginia wine" or what have you. Unfortunately, the folks at Cardinal Point are not leaders of the pack. I had the Cardinal Point 2003 Mertitage tonight. It's a blend of Cab Franc, Merlot, Cab Sav...and maybe something else. Anyway, it stinks. Thin and watery with that "green pepper" flavor a lot of underdeveloped wines possess. The worst part? Set me back about $18. You've got to think that the folks at the vineyard knew they had a turkey on their hands when they put it in the bottle.
For shame.

Casillero De Diablo Cab

These folks have a number of different wines operating under a number of different labels. The Casillero De Diablo is something like their midgrade, and tends to retail for about $10 a bottle. All of their wines are of generally high-quality, but at $10, I can find other bottles that I much prefer. This week my local supermarket had the whol line on sale for $7.50, which is a fine price.
The Cabernet Sauvignon is my favorite, I think. It's a big full, wine, with a nice touch of earthiness about it. Definitely worth drinking.

Good wine/ lousy vice president

Edwards won the debate. Not by a ton and maybe not even on content, but overall he appeared smarter, friendlier and more trustworthy than Captain Pacemaker. If nothing else, he helped Kerry by not slowing the momentum still building from last week's Prez debate.
While watching Silky Johnny do battle with Richard, I was lucky enough to be drinking on a really top notch $7 bottle of wine. Casa Solar Plata 2001 is simply as good as it gets in the sub-$8 range. I think it's a blend of Tempranillo and something else, but the label doesn''t specify. It's absolutely delicious, though.
I remember that my local Kroger once had it on sale for 4.99 a bottle. It's case-worthy at that price.

Yalumba Viognier

White wine is generally not my thing--in my price range it just seems to lack the depth of a red. The Yalumba Viognier was a pleasant surprise, though. At 8.99, the wine was fruity and crisp, with typical flavors for the varietal. Definitely a wine to keep on hand.
Remember, George Bush doesn't drink wine. He drinks, (snicker, snicker)...non-alcoholic beer!
Man, can we please get with of this goof?
D

Kerry 1, Monkeyboy 0

Kerry bested George W. Bush in every possible way last night. The Mass. Senator came off looking smart, polished and strong. Kerry's even, steady delivery contrasted nicely with the stops and starts and "umms" and "uhhhhs" of Sweaty McPetulant.
Maybe I'm getting carried away here, but the debate left me with the impression that ol' Long Face could be a great--not merely decent--president.
Another bright note--considering the foreign policy debate was supposed to be Bush's ace in the hole--and yet he still flubbed things badly--the remaining two engagements should be pure gravy for Kerry.