The people keep stopping your faithful jamboree scribe on the street and asking about the prolonged absence between posts. What was it, they all ask? Government intervention? Rehab?
Let's just say, a little from column A with a dash of column B.
It's been a fierce few weeks at the jamboree household, each day sullied by the realization that the second Bush term hasn't even started yet.
So, taking our collective minds off of that for a few, let's handicap the democratic field in '08.
Hilary-Look, I don't care if the dairy farmers in upstate New York have warmed up to her, I still don't like her. Moreover, not a one of my democratic chums are even remotely into the idea. Who's fanning this fire, anyway? Knock it off.
Johhny Edwards- Likely to be about 4 years less pretty next time round. Couple that with a prolonged period of time out of the limelight, and I'm afraid the poor guy is done. time to start shilling his line of blue-collar hair-care products--"My daddy may have worked at sweet potato cannery from sun up to sun down, but that doesn't mean he didn't appreciate the value of a good, honest conditioner..."
John Kerry-I still like the fellow, but he sort of looks like a loser now. The whole novelty's gone now.
Al Gore-The combover's going to look totally embarrrasing in '08, but otherwise still a seriously smart guy with a lot to say.
Mark Warner- His hair is orange. He kind of looks like a lizard. Not electable.
Some moderate governor I've never hear of from somewhere in the Midwest- He's your man. Take it to the bank!

A morning visitor

I awoke with a start this morning, surprised at the sounds of an unexpected visitor in my kitchen. Throwing on my spectacles, I hurried down the stairs to confront whoever might be making such a ruckus at such an early hour. Imagine my surprise, then, to find none other than John F. Kerry fiddling with my expresso maker.
"Good morning, son," he said, doing his best to sound casual. Then, with a nod to my Mr. Coffee, he implored, "Little help?".
I polished off my glasses, ensuring that what I was seeing was no mirage. No, this was the man himself, here in my kitchen, nearly breaking my expresso maker.
"You've got push the latch-release, Mr. Kerry. Here you are," I said, handing him the bean receptacle.
"Son, please," he said with a forced chortle, "Mr. Kerry was my father's name. Call me, Mr. President."
Moments later I opened my eyes to find John Kerry helping me to my feet and leading me to my table.
"That was quite a tumble you took, son. Here, drink this," he said, placing a dainty cup of steaming espresso before me.
My brain ached. What was happening? How? What? Why? I took a sip.
"This espresso is delicious!," I stammered.
"Thank you, son. It's organic. I know the guy who grows the bean. Cranberry scone?", he asked, placing a tray before me.
"You're going to be the best president ever," I said, wiping a tear from my eye.
"But wait, how long have I been asleep. I thought you lost? what about Ohio?"
"Oh my, it's a long story," he said. "Suffice it to say, there was widespread voter fraud by Bush's folks. After the recount, I had, like 70% of the vote."
"Voter fraud, eh? It was the evangelical Christians wasn't it?," I asked.
"You know it, brother! They may like their marriages straight but they prefer their voting habits queer as hell," Kerry shouted, offering up the most awkward high-five I'd ever seen. "Look, we can go over all of this later, in the meantime, tell me about your wine rack there. Have you tried that 1998 Virgin Hills, yet?"
And with that, the alarm clock broke my reverie. I jumped out of bed, threw on my spectacles and rushed down the stairs.
"I tell you what, becoming an astronaut is not as easy as you might think!" George W. Bush said, shaking his head and putting down the morning "Mini Page". "Hey, toss me an O'doul's, Stretch."
Another tear fell.
It was going to be a long four years.

Much is New

Lots of activity around the Jamboree household these days. One would think the election results would result in many, many, more wine reviews--what with the need to ease the pain and all. Yet some of the Jamboree's friends have poo-pooed the wine talk, labeling it "stuffy". This is a tough call. It's nothing more than a battle for the very soul of Pig Jamboree. We'll just have to roll with it and see how things play out.
So what's new?
The Jamboree was out of town this weekend, visiting some good college chums in Bloomington, Indiana. We're always surprised at how nice Indiana is, this despite its endemic obesity and inexplicable Bobby Knight worship. (We kid because we love!) But seriously, a fine state. The Bloomington area is particularly livable--a worldly little enclave of ethnic restaurants and wine bars. Like most pretty places, the area is also home to a number of wineries, and that's good. Unfortunately, the wineries the Jamboree has come into contact with produce a product somewhere between godawful and merely disgraceful. Also, the people pouring the Indy-wine reported that almost all of the grapes were imported from California--so if you're wondering what the point of that whole charade is, you aren't alone.
On a brighter note, back in Virginia now, the local grocery store had a Fetzer Gewurtztraminer on sale for $5.99--that's about $4 less than usual. We generally steer clear of Fetzer and its ilk, giant Californian companies producing a personality-free producty. But a Gewurtz is weird enough to shine through even the drabbiest of packaging. Really delicious. Grapefruit, honey, flowers, blah, blah, blah.
A bargain Gewurtz and Ashcroft resigned. The Jamboree is buying a lottery ticket tonight!

Rumsfeld the Magnificent

Donald Rumsfeld said today he doesn't expect many civilian casualties as a result of the ongoing offensive in Fallujah. Given Rumbo's previously demonstrated knack for being eerily accurate in his predictions, I think the civilians in Fallujah should sleep easy tonight.
Wait...I'm thinking of someone else. Rumsfeld said that?
PEOPLE OF FALLUJAH! RUN! YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND YOURSELF ON THE LOSING END OF A RUMSFELD DECREE! RUN I TELL YOU!

The bad Clinton

Assuming we still have democratic elections in 2008,
let's talk about the democratic challenger to Rudy
Guliani.
Actually, that's probably a little flip, my hunch is
that Rudy's post 9/11 glow will continue to fade, and
the whole brash New York thing won't play so well in
the sticks.
Regardless, on the left, there's already way too much
speculation about a possible Hilary run.
Stop this at once. Seriously. Stop it.
I don't know why the Clintons are such intensly
polarizing figures. Personally, I'm pretty lukewarm on
the both of them. But you don't need a pollster around
to tell you that giant swaths of this country despise
Hilary Clinton. Running H.C. would gaurantee a loss of
Mondale-ian proportions. I have no doubt of this.
A staunch republican friend of mine conceded that he
was considering voting for John Kerry
for no other reason than to prevent
a potential Hilary run in '08.
Again. People do not like Hilary Clinton.
I know the Oprah crowd made her book a smash, but most people who purchased were interested in lurid accounts of Bill's transgressions, not Hilary's inspiring story.
On another note, the Jamboree was suprised to open up his Saturday USA Today and find that John Ashcroft was likely to resign this week. It's going to be difficult for the administration to find anyone more repugnant that Johnny A. to be AG, but if recent history is any guide, here's betting they manage to pull it off.

No joy in pigville

Well, everyone's pretty upset over at the pigjamboree household. Indeed, today the jamboree is officially the Pig-dirge.
Look here, though. There's sure to be a silver lining around this blackest of black cloud.
Let us consider the consequences of four more years of Bush/Cheney, along with the surprisingly positive benefits of said consequences.

Birds dead- It's so hard to sleep with all that chirpin'!
Fish dead- They're in fish heaven now!
All endangered species dead- Gosh, at least they're no longer endangered!
Rich/Poor gap widened- Everyone knows God hates poor people!
Forests gone- You could have gotten lost in that forest!
More war- You aren't a sissy are you!?
Social programs slashed-More proof of the eradication of the communist menace!
World hates us- Cuz they're jealous!
Bankrupting deficits- It's like a present for our children's children! Even a bad present is better than none at all!
Verification of this administration as worst of the past 100 years-Warren G. Harding is totally happy now!

Ugh, this isn't even funny to those of us at PigJamboree. It's just sad.