Pig Jamboree

Well, is he the devil or isn't he?

2006-09-24T20:18:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week, when Venezuelan president/dictator/fat boy Hugo Chavez called George W. Bush the devil at a U.N. summit, the South American strong man nearly set off an international incident. Lost in the hubbub, however, an unanswered question remains.
Is President George W. Bush in fact Satan?
As you might expect, this called for a Pig Jamboree investigation!
After culling over thousands of records, we put the president’s proclivities towards evil on our patented Satanometer. (The first E is soft, pronounce it like thermometer.) Here’s how our man stacked up:

Seemingly intent on ruining the United States, a country well-known for its love of Jesus Christ. (+3)

Loves to Mountain Bike (-1)

Totally into the idea of global warming (+2)

Married to a librarian (-2)

Married to a potentially evil librarian! (+1)

Skull and Bones at Yale (+2)

Everyone knows its Princeton that’s in league with Satan (-2)

Frequently seen accompanied by small black hellhound Barney (+1)

Best pals with Dick Cheney, a man known for his good works (-3)

Also close with vice president Dick Cheney (as opposed to the aforementioned Dick Cheney, who spends most of his time volunteering at a D.C.-area soup kitchen and picking litter off the highway. Lots of people get them confused, but they couldn’t be more different.) (+4)

So, it looks like the president scores a 5, which means, alas, that he is not Satan. A 5 is nothing to scoff at, however; and indeed, homeboy is still quite a malicious force. On the Satanometer, George falls just ahead of your typical Norwegian metal band, and just below Nancy Grace.

Something tells me our boy isn’t quite done yet, though, and with two more years to go, if I were Nancy I’d be watching my back!

In the meantime, get your facts straight, Hugo!

George Allen dumbness confirmed, limits of dumbness seemingly bottomless

2006-08-14T20:24:00.000-04:00

So, I was feeling kind of bad about calling Senator George Allen an idiot. In hindsight, I started thinking that maybe it was a little too disrespectful, maybe a little too coarse, to talk about a sitting U.S. senator like that, no matter the regard I held him in.
Then I saw this totally awesome video of repeatedly calling an Indian kid "Macaca."
Now, let there be no doubt. Dude is a freaking idiot.
How else to explain the senator looking a camera in the eye and repeatedly calling this (Fairfax born) 20 year old UVa student named Sidarth "Macaca" and welcoming him to America, all to the delight of the rednecks he'd assembled in deep, deep Southwest Virginia.
The video is widely available on the internets, you should look it up.
While this incident highlights G. Felix Allen's well-documented disdain for anyone even slightly ethnic, it offends me on a much more personal level.
As my Indian friends can attest, I've been calling them "Macaca" for years, always to hilarious effect. George Allen stole my bit.

Jim Webb is Pete Gillen is better than George Allen

2006-08-10T21:45:00.000-04:00

Here in Virginia, we have a tough decision to make come November. In the race for the U.S. Senate, the voters of the commonwealth are charged with choosing between George Allen, a real dipshit-do nothing-confederate flag lovin'-insufferable faux-cowboy idiot jerk, and Jim Webb, a moderate Democrat who happens to be an esteemed author and Vietnam War hero. Yessir, a real tossup.
After much back and forth between the cats and I, we're throwing our support behind Mr. Webb. Not only is he the superior candidate, but damned if he isn't the spitting image of Pete Gillen, the late great men's basketball coach at my Alma Mater.

Amira Cabernet Cabernet Franc 2004

2006-08-06T21:09:00.000-04:00

This is a sweet little South African cab franc, retails for about $11. As my boy Tom at Market Street Wine Shop has pointed out, it should make Virginia vintners ashamed of themselves.
For real, there's no cab franc in Virginia approaching this depth of flavor, and those that come close want $20 to $30 a bottle.
South Africa! Winner!

Bang = Not Cool

2006-08-06T20:57:00.000-04:00

Ms. Jamboree and I ventured into C-ville last night to stroll the downtown mall and have a drink somewheres. Having never spent more than 10 minutes in Bang!, the asianish-tapas-martini-bar just off the mall, I suggested we go there to whet the ol' whistles.
What was striking, upon arriving, is how no longer hot this once hot spot is. I recall trying to eat here on numerous occasions in the past, only to find the crowds too daunting. But on last saturday night, the place was maybe half-full at 8:00 p.m. on a saturday, and the patrons were almost eclusively family-types. Not a hipster in sight.
Indeed, Bang! seems to have lost whatever cultural cache it once had, and I suspect the Charlottesville scenesters have decided that Bang! is out, and are now sipping their $9 cocktails at The X-lounge, or maybe still Zocalo. That's probably for the best. The girly $9 martinis at Bang! do kind of suck.

On The Crappiness of Scottsville, VA

2006-08-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

Oh, how I want to like Scottsville, Virginia.
Many enjoyable evenings have I spent in the small town 20 minutes south of Charlottesville; having dinner, fishing in the mighty James River, or strolling down its quaint main street. There's no denying the ugly fact though; as much as I hate to say it, I must.
Scottsville totally sucks.
Indeed, it's not so much that Scottsville sucks as a stand-alone small Virginia town, because as one of those it could certainly do much worse (I'm looking at you Stanardsville...). The tragedy of Scottsville is what is once was, compared to what it is now.
There was a time, not too long ago, when Scottsville was in the midst of what people generally referred to as "the renaissance". The little sidewalks were bustling with tourists and locals and at least three interesting restaurants competed for your dollar. An energetic Yankee mayor was eager to make all that he could out of the town.
Indeed, I'll never forget the cover story in the C-ville Weekly (the crappier of our two crappy weeklies in this area) all about how Charlottesvillians were increasingly forsaking Cville for the quietude and amenities available in delightful ol' Scottsville.
How ridiculous such sentiments look now.
While Charlottesville has continued to blossom, Scottsville has withered; "Magnolia", the last good restaurant, closed in early 2006. Today's diner can choose between the Luv n' Oven (actual motto: "When a Better Chicken is Hatched, We'll Cook it!"), the Dew Drop Inn or a mediocre barbecue joint. None are very good.
This Saturday, Ms. Jamboree and I motored to Scottsville to pick up some dish soap at the IGA (it's like a food lion, but not as classy). An impromptu junk sale was in full force in the Village Shopping Center parking lot.
Sketchy carnival-barker type characters hawked everything from Nascar-themed lamps to marijuana-smoking devices to bootleg videos.
We left before we could get the dish soap, as the scene was too weird. I can't see going back anytime soon, even though we live five minutes from town limits.
Man, Scottsille totally sucks.

Gordon's Gin

2006-01-10T20:58:00.000-05:00

Not my favorite gin, but my favorite affordable gin. If money were no object, I'd go for the Citadel every time, but this fellow, very decent at about $18 for 1.75 liters, makes a nearly ideal gin and tonic. And who's using gin for anything else, anyway?

Carril de Cotos Tinto 2002

2006-01-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

It's incredible the kind of quality that can be found in spain for $8. Take this chunky, dark purple tempranillo for instance. It's just great, and head and shoulders above what one could find almost anywhere else at a similar price point.

Andeluna Cab Sav 2003

2006-01-07T16:14:00.000-05:00

This Andeluna's entry level cab bottling. At $10, it's also top notch. I could drink great big cabs like this all the time. It's almost case-worthy.

Las Rocas 2001 Old Vines Garnacha

2006-01-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

I'd been hanging on to this boy for the past couple of years--you might remember it caused a sensation a few years back because of some outrageously glowing press coverage.
Anyway, I paid about $13 back in the day, and finally cracked it the other night. What can I say? Nice, but not mindblowing. In fact, I seem to recall it being better back in 2003. I bought a bottle of the 2003 vintage at $15 the other day, so we'll see if that tastes any better.

2004 grand cassagne rose

2005-05-27T21:16:00.000-04:00

This is as good a Rose as you'll ever have--one to look forward to, year after year.
It runs about $10 and it's from Nimes, which is in Southern France somewhere. Tastes like fresh strawberries with some good acidity and a bit of minerals. This is what you want when it's too hot to drink a red and your cat has drank all your white.
I pity the fool who does not drink some this spring.

Argiolas Perdera 2002

2005-05-27T21:13:00.000-04:00

So, this may not be the most readily-available of wines, but it's worth seeking out. Retails for about $11--it's Italian, or more specifically, Sicilian. Deep, dark red; berries and chocolate and all that crap.
Taste La Cosa Nostra in each sip.

Lots of stuff

2005-05-20T20:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I gave up drinking for the better part of the past few months, but I got tired of actually listening to everyone else in the Jamboree household, so I'm back on (or is it off?) the wagon.
I've had a couple of Roses I've enjoyed lately. Turkey Flat Rose came highly rec'd from the local wine nerds--I was a bit underwhelmed, especially at $15. I love rose, but I've yet to find the one that justifies more than $10. I also had a Mulderbosch Rose from South Africa; quite good, but at $13, I have a similar gripe.
As the weather's turned warmer and the mint has started poking it's head up down here in Central Virginia, I've been making mojitos. Although a darker rum ruins the sexy look of a good mojito, it's hard to do any better than Gosling's Black Seal, a delicious, molassesy rum that's an exceptional bargain at $12 a fifth.
It's good to be back....What's that dear? Oh, I'm listening, please do go on...

Red Diamond Cabernet

2005-03-31T20:02:00.000-05:00

Red Diamond Cabernet is made by the good folks in Washington who produce Columbia Crest, Chateau St. Michelle, and a whole crapload (that's a wine term) of other products. The amazing thing is that despite the huge production, all of the wines tend te be pretty good. This cab cost $9 and had lots of chocolate and coffee notes to it, just like the C.C. grand estates cab. An outstanding bargain. Drink a bottle tonight for Mitch Hedberg, the supremely gifted comedian who had the misfortune to pass away on they day Terri Schiavo died and the pope got really sick. Remember, no matter what those cardinals tell you, Hedberg was way funnier than the pontiff.

Borsao Campo de Borja

2005-03-06T19:52:00.001-05:00

This wine comes with a well-deserved repuation of being a good bargain, and at 6.99, you'll get no complaints from me. It's a blend of tempranillo and garnache, very friendly and fruity. This strikes me as the sort of wine you could give to someone who didn't like wine; it's so approachable. A wine like this, along with other Jamboree favorites like Tres Ojos and Wrongo Dongo, also serves to illustrate the amazing value that can be found in Spain these days--even with the falling dollar!
Try to find something you'd like to drink produced in America for $7. Not gonna happen.

Borsao Campo de Borja

2005-03-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

Where was I?

2005-01-26T20:26:00.000-05:00

So,
While serving as paid shill for Bush Administration policies, I was contractually forbade from updating the Jamboree. Alas, once my arrangement came to light, I was unceremoniously dumped. Never again will you read about how Alaskan oil drilling strengthens families and keeps the queer caribou from settling down together.
Whatever.
Anyhoo, I come today to tell you of my new favorite wine:
2003 Tres Ojos Old Vines Garnacha.
It'a 100% garnacha from spain, it's AMAZING, and it costs seven dollars. Seriously, I've had friends try this wine, remark on its taste, and then seen their jaws literally drop when I told them what i paid for it.
Great, great wine.

Hold onto your socks

2004-12-11T17:35:00.000-05:00

I have drank the future, and it is called Artazuri.
100% Garnache (I think) from Spain, this little fellow set me back 9.99, but drank like something costing thrice as much (like I'd know.) Seriously, though; Wine value of the year. Stupendously good.
I just can't believe the local Canadian feed and seed stocks the stuff!

Canadian Dispatches Vo. 1

2004-12-06T20:08:00.000-05:00

Whew!
Jesus Christ. It's been like two weeks since I've written anything for the Jamboree. You see, I have abandoned my once beloved United States for the Gentle Giant to the North. Yes, I speak of none other than Good Lady Canada. While I enjoy my new homeland quite a bit, I must say that convenience it not exactly our neighbor to the North's strong suit. Indeed, as my internet is strictly husky-powered, it takes my faithful Montecore a good two or three hours to build up the strength to send a single email. This posting alone will have my loyal companion panting long into tommorrow.
Canada is fine though. It reminds me of Iowa--without all the glamour.
Now, you probably think my move northward is some kind of lame-ass knee-jerk reaction to the Bush reelection.
Not so, friend.
The truth is, under doctor's orders, (I think he's a doctor!?) I've been heavily medicated since that fateful Nov. 3, and living in the states is just no longer cost-effective. So, now my paxil-zoloft-prozac is cheap as hell, and I get to wash it all down with a crueller like you would not believe.
Thanks Canada!
Mush, Montecore, Mush!

2004-11-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

The people keep stopping your faithful jamboree scribe on the street and asking about the prolonged absence between posts. What was it, they all ask? Government intervention? Rehab?
Let's just say, a little from column A with a dash of column B.
It's been a fierce few weeks at the jamboree household, each day sullied by the realization that the second Bush term hasn't even started yet.
So, taking our collective minds off of that for a few, let's handicap the democratic field in '08.
Hilary-Look, I don't care if the dairy farmers in upstate New York have warmed up to her, I still don't like her. Moreover, not a one of my democratic chums are even remotely into the idea. Who's fanning this fire, anyway? Knock it off.
Johhny Edwards- Likely to be about 4 years less pretty next time round. Couple that with a prolonged period of time out of the limelight, and I'm afraid the poor guy is done. time to start shilling his line of blue-collar hair-care products--"My daddy may have worked at sweet potato cannery from sun up to sun down, but that doesn't mean he didn't appreciate the value of a good, honest conditioner..."
John Kerry-I still like the fellow, but he sort of looks like a loser now. The whole novelty's gone now.
Al Gore-The combover's going to look totally embarrrasing in '08, but otherwise still a seriously smart guy with a lot to say.
Mark Warner- His hair is orange. He kind of looks like a lizard. Not electable.
Some moderate governor I've never hear of from somewhere in the Midwest- He's your man. Take it to the bank!

A morning visitor

2004-11-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

I awoke with a start this morning, surprised at the sounds of an unexpected visitor in my kitchen. Throwing on my spectacles, I hurried down the stairs to confront whoever might be making such a ruckus at such an early hour. Imagine my surprise, then, to find none other than John F. Kerry fiddling with my expresso maker.
"Good morning, son," he said, doing his best to sound casual. Then, with a nod to my Mr. Coffee, he implored, "Little help?".
I polished off my glasses, ensuring that what I was seeing was no mirage. No, this was the man himself, here in my kitchen, nearly breaking my expresso maker.
"You've got push the latch-release, Mr. Kerry. Here you are," I said, handing him the bean receptacle.
"Son, please," he said with a forced chortle, "Mr. Kerry was my father's name. Call me, Mr. President."
Moments later I opened my eyes to find John Kerry helping me to my feet and leading me to my table.
"That was quite a tumble you took, son. Here, drink this," he said, placing a dainty cup of steaming espresso before me.
My brain ached. What was happening? How? What? Why? I took a sip.
"This espresso is delicious!," I stammered.
"Thank you, son. It's organic. I know the guy who grows the bean. Cranberry scone?", he asked, placing a tray before me.
"You're going to be the best president ever," I said, wiping a tear from my eye.
"But wait, how long have I been asleep. I thought you lost? what about Ohio?"
"Oh my, it's a long story," he said. "Suffice it to say, there was widespread voter fraud by Bush's folks. After the recount, I had, like 70% of the vote."
"Voter fraud, eh? It was the evangelical Christians wasn't it?," I asked.
"You know it, brother! They may like their marriages straight but they prefer their voting habits queer as hell," Kerry shouted, offering up the most awkward high-five I'd ever seen. "Look, we can go over all of this later, in the meantime, tell me about your wine rack there. Have you tried that 1998 Virgin Hills, yet?"
And with that, the alarm clock broke my reverie. I jumped out of bed, threw on my spectacles and rushed down the stairs.
"I tell you what, becoming an astronaut is not as easy as you might think!" George W. Bush said, shaking his head and putting down the morning "Mini Page". "Hey, toss me an O'doul's, Stretch."
Another tear fell.
It was going to be a long four years.

Much is New

2004-11-09T21:40:00.000-05:00

Lots of activity around the Jamboree household these days. One would think the election results would result in many, many, more wine reviews--what with the need to ease the pain and all. Yet some of the Jamboree's friends have poo-pooed the wine talk, labeling it "stuffy". This is a tough call. It's nothing more than a battle for the very soul of Pig Jamboree. We'll just have to roll with it and see how things play out.
So what's new?
The Jamboree was out of town this weekend, visiting some good college chums in Bloomington, Indiana. We're always surprised at how nice Indiana is, this despite its endemic obesity and inexplicable Bobby Knight worship. (We kid because we love!) But seriously, a fine state. The Bloomington area is particularly livable--a worldly little enclave of ethnic restaurants and wine bars. Like most pretty places, the area is also home to a number of wineries, and that's good. Unfortunately, the wineries the Jamboree has come into contact with produce a product somewhere between godawful and merely disgraceful. Also, the people pouring the Indy-wine reported that almost all of the grapes were imported from California--so if you're wondering what the point of that whole charade is, you aren't alone.
On a brighter note, back in Virginia now, the local grocery store had a Fetzer Gewurtztraminer on sale for $5.99--that's about $4 less than usual. We generally steer clear of Fetzer and its ilk, giant Californian companies producing a personality-free producty. But a Gewurtz is weird enough to shine through even the drabbiest of packaging. Really delicious. Grapefruit, honey, flowers, blah, blah, blah.
A bargain Gewurtz and Ashcroft resigned. The Jamboree is buying a lottery ticket tonight!

Rumsfeld the Magnificent

2004-11-08T20:45:00.000-05:00

Donald Rumsfeld said today he doesn't expect many civilian casualties as a result of the ongoing offensive in Fallujah. Given Rumbo's previously demonstrated knack for being eerily accurate in his predictions, I think the civilians in Fallujah should sleep easy tonight.
Wait...I'm thinking of someone else. Rumsfeld said that?
PEOPLE OF FALLUJAH! RUN! YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND YOURSELF ON THE LOSING END OF A RUMSFELD DECREE! RUN I TELL YOU!

The bad Clinton

2004-11-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

Assuming we still have democratic elections in 2008,
let's talk about the democratic challenger to Rudy
Guliani.
Actually, that's probably a little flip, my hunch is
that Rudy's post 9/11 glow will continue to fade, and
the whole brash New York thing won't play so well in
the sticks.
Regardless, on the left, there's already way too much
speculation about a possible Hilary run.
Stop this at once. Seriously. Stop it.
I don't know why the Clintons are such intensly
polarizing figures. Personally, I'm pretty lukewarm on
the both of them. But you don't need a pollster around
to tell you that giant swaths of this country despise
Hilary Clinton. Running H.C. would gaurantee a loss of
Mondale-ian proportions. I have no doubt of this.
A staunch republican friend of mine conceded that he
was considering voting for John Kerry
for no other reason than to prevent
a potential Hilary run in '08.
Again. People do not like Hilary Clinton.
I know the Oprah crowd made her book a smash, but most people who purchased were interested in lurid accounts of Bill's transgressions, not Hilary's inspiring story.
On another note, the Jamboree was suprised to open up his Saturday USA Today and find that John Ashcroft was likely to resign this week. It's going to be difficult for the administration to find anyone more repugnant that Johnny A. to be AG, but if recent history is any guide, here's betting they manage to pull it off.

No joy in pigville

2004-11-03T18:52:00.002-05:00

Well, everyone's pretty upset over at the pigjamboree household. Indeed, today the jamboree is officially the Pig-dirge.
Look here, though. There's sure to be a silver lining around this blackest of black cloud.
Let us consider the consequences of four more years of Bush/Cheney, along with the surprisingly positive benefits of said consequences.

Birds dead- It's so hard to sleep with all that chirpin'!
Fish dead- They're in fish heaven now!
All endangered species dead- Gosh, at least they're no longer endangered!
Rich/Poor gap widened- Everyone knows God hates poor people!
Forests gone- You could have gotten lost in that forest!
More war- You aren't a sissy are you!?
Social programs slashed-More proof of the eradication of the communist menace!
World hates us- Cuz they're jealous!
Bankrupting deficits- It's like a present for our children's children! Even a bad present is better than none at all!
Verification of this administration as worst of the past 100 years-Warren G. Harding is totally happy now!

Ugh, this isn't even funny to those of us at PigJamboree. It's just sad.