Pig Jamboree

Well, is he the devil or isn't he?

2006-09-24T20:18:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week, when Venezuelan president/dictator/fat boy Hugo Chavez called George W. Bush the devil at a U.N. summit, the South American strong man nearly set off an international incident. Lost in the hubbub, however, an unanswered question remains.
Is President George W. Bush in fact Satan?
As you might expect, this called for a Pig Jamboree investigation!
After culling over thousands of records, we put the president’s proclivities towards evil on our patented Satanometer. (The first E is soft, pronounce it like thermometer.) Here’s how our man stacked up:

Seemingly intent on ruining the United States, a country well-known for its love of Jesus Christ. (+3)

Loves to Mountain Bike (-1)

Totally into the idea of global warming (+2)

Married to a librarian (-2)

Married to a potentially evil librarian! (+1)

Skull and Bones at Yale (+2)

Everyone knows its Princeton that’s in league with Satan (-2)

Frequently seen accompanied by small black hellhound Barney (+1)

Best pals with Dick Cheney, a man known for his good works (-3)

Also close with vice president Dick Cheney (as opposed to the aforementioned Dick Cheney, who spends most of his time volunteering at a D.C.-area soup kitchen and picking litter off the highway. Lots of people get them confused, but they couldn’t be more different.) (+4)

So, it looks like the president scores a 5, which means, alas, that he is not Satan. A 5 is nothing to scoff at, however; and indeed, homeboy is still quite a malicious force. On the Satanometer, George falls just ahead of your typical Norwegian metal band, and just below Nancy Grace.

Something tells me our boy isn’t quite done yet, though, and with two more years to go, if I were Nancy I’d be watching my back!

In the meantime, get your facts straight, Hugo!

George Allen dumbness confirmed, limits of dumbness seemingly bottomless

2006-08-14T20:24:00.000-04:00

So, I was feeling kind of bad about calling Senator George Allen an idiot. In hindsight, I started thinking that maybe it was a little too disrespectful, maybe a little too coarse, to talk about a sitting U.S. senator like that, no matter the regard I held him in.
Then I saw this totally awesome video of repeatedly calling an Indian kid "Macaca."
Now, let there be no doubt. Dude is a freaking idiot.
How else to explain the senator looking a camera in the eye and repeatedly calling this (Fairfax born) 20 year old UVa student named Sidarth "Macaca" and welcoming him to America, all to the delight of the rednecks he'd assembled in deep, deep Southwest Virginia.
The video is widely available on the internets, you should look it up.
While this incident highlights G. Felix Allen's well-documented disdain for anyone even slightly ethnic, it offends me on a much more personal level.
As my Indian friends can attest, I've been calling them "Macaca" for years, always to hilarious effect. George Allen stole my bit.

Jim Webb is Pete Gillen is better than George Allen

2006-08-10T21:45:00.000-04:00

Here in Virginia, we have a tough decision to make come November. In the race for the U.S. Senate, the voters of the commonwealth are charged with choosing between George Allen, a real dipshit-do nothing-confederate flag lovin'-insufferable faux-cowboy idiot jerk, and Jim Webb, a moderate Democrat who happens to be an esteemed author and Vietnam War hero. Yessir, a real tossup.
After much back and forth between the cats and I, we're throwing our support behind Mr. Webb. Not only is he the superior candidate, but damned if he isn't the spitting image of Pete Gillen, the late great men's basketball coach at my Alma Mater.

Amira Cabernet Cabernet Franc 2004

2006-08-06T21:09:00.000-04:00

This is a sweet little South African cab franc, retails for about $11. As my boy Tom at Market Street Wine Shop has pointed out, it should make Virginia vintners ashamed of themselves.
For real, there's no cab franc in Virginia approaching this depth of flavor, and those that come close want $20 to $30 a bottle.
South Africa! Winner!

Bang = Not Cool

2006-08-06T20:57:00.000-04:00

Ms. Jamboree and I ventured into C-ville last night to stroll the downtown mall and have a drink somewheres. Having never spent more than 10 minutes in Bang!, the asianish-tapas-martini-bar just off the mall, I suggested we go there to whet the ol' whistles.
What was striking, upon arriving, is how no longer hot this once hot spot is. I recall trying to eat here on numerous occasions in the past, only to find the crowds too daunting. But on last saturday night, the place was maybe half-full at 8:00 p.m. on a saturday, and the patrons were almost eclusively family-types. Not a hipster in sight.
Indeed, Bang! seems to have lost whatever cultural cache it once had, and I suspect the Charlottesville scenesters have decided that Bang! is out, and are now sipping their $9 cocktails at The X-lounge, or maybe still Zocalo. That's probably for the best. The girly $9 martinis at Bang! do kind of suck.

On The Crappiness of Scottsville, VA

2006-08-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

Oh, how I want to like Scottsville, Virginia.
Many enjoyable evenings have I spent in the small town 20 minutes south of Charlottesville; having dinner, fishing in the mighty James River, or strolling down its quaint main street. There's no denying the ugly fact though; as much as I hate to say it, I must.
Scottsville totally sucks.
Indeed, it's not so much that Scottsville sucks as a stand-alone small Virginia town, because as one of those it could certainly do much worse (I'm looking at you Stanardsville...). The tragedy of Scottsville is what is once was, compared to what it is now.
There was a time, not too long ago, when Scottsville was in the midst of what people generally referred to as "the renaissance". The little sidewalks were bustling with tourists and locals and at least three interesting restaurants competed for your dollar. An energetic Yankee mayor was eager to make all that he could out of the town.
Indeed, I'll never forget the cover story in the C-ville Weekly (the crappier of our two crappy weeklies in this area) all about how Charlottesvillians were increasingly forsaking Cville for the quietude and amenities available in delightful ol' Scottsville.
How ridiculous such sentiments look now.
While Charlottesville has continued to blossom, Scottsville has withered; "Magnolia", the last good restaurant, closed in early 2006. Today's diner can choose between the Luv n' Oven (actual motto: "When a Better Chicken is Hatched, We'll Cook it!"), the Dew Drop Inn or a mediocre barbecue joint. None are very good.
This Saturday, Ms. Jamboree and I motored to Scottsville to pick up some dish soap at the IGA (it's like a food lion, but not as classy). An impromptu junk sale was in full force in the Village Shopping Center parking lot.
Sketchy carnival-barker type characters hawked everything from Nascar-themed lamps to marijuana-smoking devices to bootleg videos.
We left before we could get the dish soap, as the scene was too weird. I can't see going back anytime soon, even though we live five minutes from town limits.
Man, Scottsille totally sucks.

Gordon's Gin

2006-01-10T20:58:00.000-05:00

Not my favorite gin, but my favorite affordable gin. If money were no object, I'd go for the Citadel every time, but this fellow, very decent at about $18 for 1.75 liters, makes a nearly ideal gin and tonic. And who's using gin for anything else, anyway?

Carril de Cotos Tinto 2002

2006-01-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

It's incredible the kind of quality that can be found in spain for $8. Take this chunky, dark purple tempranillo for instance. It's just great, and head and shoulders above what one could find almost anywhere else at a similar price point.

Andeluna Cab Sav 2003

2006-01-07T16:14:00.000-05:00

This Andeluna's entry level cab bottling. At $10, it's also top notch. I could drink great big cabs like this all the time. It's almost case-worthy.

Las Rocas 2001 Old Vines Garnacha

2006-01-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

I'd been hanging on to this boy for the past couple of years--you might remember it caused a sensation a few years back because of some outrageously glowing press coverage.
Anyway, I paid about $13 back in the day, and finally cracked it the other night. What can I say? Nice, but not mindblowing. In fact, I seem to recall it being better back in 2003. I bought a bottle of the 2003 vintage at $15 the other day, so we'll see if that tastes any better.

2004 grand cassagne rose

2005-05-27T21:16:00.000-04:00

This is as good a Rose as you'll ever have--one to look forward to, year after year.
It runs about $10 and it's from Nimes, which is in Southern France somewhere. Tastes like fresh strawberries with some good acidity and a bit of minerals. This is what you want when it's too hot to drink a red and your cat has drank all your white.
I pity the fool who does not drink some this spring.

Argiolas Perdera 2002

2005-05-27T21:13:00.000-04:00

So, this may not be the most readily-available of wines, but it's worth seeking out. Retails for about $11--it's Italian, or more specifically, Sicilian. Deep, dark red; berries and chocolate and all that crap.
Taste La Cosa Nostra in each sip.

Lots of stuff

2005-05-20T20:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I gave up drinking for the better part of the past few months, but I got tired of actually listening to everyone else in the Jamboree household, so I'm back on (or is it off?) the wagon.
I've had a couple of Roses I've enjoyed lately. Turkey Flat Rose came highly rec'd from the local wine nerds--I was a bit underwhelmed, especially at $15. I love rose, but I've yet to find the one that justifies more than $10. I also had a Mulderbosch Rose from South Africa; quite good, but at $13, I have a similar gripe.
As the weather's turned warmer and the mint has started poking it's head up down here in Central Virginia, I've been making mojitos. Although a darker rum ruins the sexy look of a good mojito, it's hard to do any better than Gosling's Black Seal, a delicious, molassesy rum that's an exceptional bargain at $12 a fifth.
It's good to be back....What's that dear? Oh, I'm listening, please do go on...

Red Diamond Cabernet

2005-03-31T20:02:00.000-05:00

Red Diamond Cabernet is made by the good folks in Washington who produce Columbia Crest, Chateau St. Michelle, and a whole crapload (that's a wine term) of other products. The amazing thing is that despite the huge production, all of the wines tend te be pretty good. This cab cost $9 and had lots of chocolate and coffee notes to it, just like the C.C. grand estates cab. An outstanding bargain. Drink a bottle tonight for Mitch Hedberg, the supremely gifted comedian who had the misfortune to pass away on they day Terri Schiavo died and the pope got really sick. Remember, no matter what those cardinals tell you, Hedberg was way funnier than the pontiff.

Borsao Campo de Borja

2005-03-06T19:52:00.001-05:00

This wine comes with a well-deserved repuation of being a good bargain, and at 6.99, you'll get no complaints from me. It's a blend of tempranillo and garnache, very friendly and fruity. This strikes me as the sort of wine you could give to someone who didn't like wine; it's so approachable. A wine like this, along with other Jamboree favorites like Tres Ojos and Wrongo Dongo, also serves to illustrate the amazing value that can be found in Spain these days--even with the falling dollar!
Try to find something you'd like to drink produced in America for $7. Not gonna happen.

Borsao Campo de Borja

2005-03-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

Where was I?

2005-01-26T20:26:00.000-05:00

So,
While serving as paid shill for Bush Administration policies, I was contractually forbade from updating the Jamboree. Alas, once my arrangement came to light, I was unceremoniously dumped. Never again will you read about how Alaskan oil drilling strengthens families and keeps the queer caribou from settling down together.
Whatever.
Anyhoo, I come today to tell you of my new favorite wine:
2003 Tres Ojos Old Vines Garnacha.
It'a 100% garnacha from spain, it's AMAZING, and it costs seven dollars. Seriously, I've had friends try this wine, remark on its taste, and then seen their jaws literally drop when I told them what i paid for it.
Great, great wine.

Hold onto your socks

2004-12-11T17:35:00.000-05:00

I have drank the future, and it is called Artazuri.
100% Garnache (I think) from Spain, this little fellow set me back 9.99, but drank like something costing thrice as much (like I'd know.) Seriously, though; Wine value of the year. Stupendously good.
I just can't believe the local Canadian feed and seed stocks the stuff!

Canadian Dispatches Vo. 1

2004-12-06T20:08:00.000-05:00

Whew!
Jesus Christ. It's been like two weeks since I've written anything for the Jamboree. You see, I have abandoned my once beloved United States for the Gentle Giant to the North. Yes, I speak of none other than Good Lady Canada. While I enjoy my new homeland quite a bit, I must say that convenience it not exactly our neighbor to the North's strong suit. Indeed, as my internet is strictly husky-powered, it takes my faithful Montecore a good two or three hours to build up the strength to send a single email. This posting alone will have my loyal companion panting long into tommorrow.
Canada is fine though. It reminds me of Iowa--without all the glamour.
Now, you probably think my move northward is some kind of lame-ass knee-jerk reaction to the Bush reelection.
Not so, friend.
The truth is, under doctor's orders, (I think he's a doctor!?) I've been heavily medicated since that fateful Nov. 3, and living in the states is just no longer cost-effective. So, now my paxil-zoloft-prozac is cheap as hell, and I get to wash it all down with a crueller like you would not believe.
Thanks Canada!
Mush, Montecore, Mush!

2004-11-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

The people keep stopping your faithful jamboree scribe on the street and asking about the prolonged absence between posts. What was it, they all ask? Government intervention? Rehab?
Let's just say, a little from column A with a dash of column B.
It's been a fierce few weeks at the jamboree household, each day sullied by the realization that the second Bush term hasn't even started yet.
So, taking our collective minds off of that for a few, let's handicap the democratic field in '08.
Hilary-Look, I don't care if the dairy farmers in upstate New York have warmed up to her, I still don't like her. Moreover, not a one of my democratic chums are even remotely into the idea. Who's fanning this fire, anyway? Knock it off.
Johhny Edwards- Likely to be about 4 years less pretty next time round. Couple that with a prolonged period of time out of the limelight, and I'm afraid the poor guy is done. time to start shilling his line of blue-collar hair-care products--"My daddy may have worked at sweet potato cannery from sun up to sun down, but that doesn't mean he didn't appreciate the value of a good, honest conditioner..."
John Kerry-I still like the fellow, but he sort of looks like a loser now. The whole novelty's gone now.
Al Gore-The combover's going to look totally embarrrasing in '08, but otherwise still a seriously smart guy with a lot to say.
Mark Warner- His hair is orange. He kind of looks like a lizard. Not electable.
Some moderate governor I've never hear of from somewhere in the Midwest- He's your man. Take it to the bank!

A morning visitor

2004-11-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

I awoke with a start this morning, surprised at the sounds of an unexpected visitor in my kitchen. Throwing on my spectacles, I hurried down the stairs to confront whoever might be making such a ruckus at such an early hour. Imagine my surprise, then, to find none other than John F. Kerry fiddling with my expresso maker.
"Good morning, son," he said, doing his best to sound casual. Then, with a nod to my Mr. Coffee, he implored, "Little help?".
I polished off my glasses, ensuring that what I was seeing was no mirage. No, this was the man himself, here in my kitchen, nearly breaking my expresso maker.
"You've got push the latch-release, Mr. Kerry. Here you are," I said, handing him the bean receptacle.
"Son, please," he said with a forced chortle, "Mr. Kerry was my father's name. Call me, Mr. President."
Moments later I opened my eyes to find John Kerry helping me to my feet and leading me to my table.
"That was quite a tumble you took, son. Here, drink this," he said, placing a dainty cup of steaming espresso before me.
My brain ached. What was happening? How? What? Why? I took a sip.
"This espresso is delicious!," I stammered.
"Thank you, son. It's organic. I know the guy who grows the bean. Cranberry scone?", he asked, placing a tray before me.
"You're going to be the best president ever," I said, wiping a tear from my eye.
"But wait, how long have I been asleep. I thought you lost? what about Ohio?"
"Oh my, it's a long story," he said. "Suffice it to say, there was widespread voter fraud by Bush's folks. After the recount, I had, like 70% of the vote."
"Voter fraud, eh? It was the evangelical Christians wasn't it?," I asked.
"You know it, brother! They may like their marriages straight but they prefer their voting habits queer as hell," Kerry shouted, offering up the most awkward high-five I'd ever seen. "Look, we can go over all of this later, in the meantime, tell me about your wine rack there. Have you tried that 1998 Virgin Hills, yet?"
And with that, the alarm clock broke my reverie. I jumped out of bed, threw on my spectacles and rushed down the stairs.
"I tell you what, becoming an astronaut is not as easy as you might think!" George W. Bush said, shaking his head and putting down the morning "Mini Page". "Hey, toss me an O'doul's, Stretch."
Another tear fell.
It was going to be a long four years.

Much is New

2004-11-09T21:40:00.000-05:00

Lots of activity around the Jamboree household these days. One would think the election results would result in many, many, more wine reviews--what with the need to ease the pain and all. Yet some of the Jamboree's friends have poo-pooed the wine talk, labeling it "stuffy". This is a tough call. It's nothing more than a battle for the very soul of Pig Jamboree. We'll just have to roll with it and see how things play out.
So what's new?
The Jamboree was out of town this weekend, visiting some good college chums in Bloomington, Indiana. We're always surprised at how nice Indiana is, this despite its endemic obesity and inexplicable Bobby Knight worship. (We kid because we love!) But seriously, a fine state. The Bloomington area is particularly livable--a worldly little enclave of ethnic restaurants and wine bars. Like most pretty places, the area is also home to a number of wineries, and that's good. Unfortunately, the wineries the Jamboree has come into contact with produce a product somewhere between godawful and merely disgraceful. Also, the people pouring the Indy-wine reported that almost all of the grapes were imported from California--so if you're wondering what the point of that whole charade is, you aren't alone.
On a brighter note, back in Virginia now, the local grocery store had a Fetzer Gewurtztraminer on sale for $5.99--that's about $4 less than usual. We generally steer clear of Fetzer and its ilk, giant Californian companies producing a personality-free producty. But a Gewurtz is weird enough to shine through even the drabbiest of packaging. Really delicious. Grapefruit, honey, flowers, blah, blah, blah.
A bargain Gewurtz and Ashcroft resigned. The Jamboree is buying a lottery ticket tonight!

Rumsfeld the Magnificent

2004-11-08T20:45:00.000-05:00

Donald Rumsfeld said today he doesn't expect many civilian casualties as a result of the ongoing offensive in Fallujah. Given Rumbo's previously demonstrated knack for being eerily accurate in his predictions, I think the civilians in Fallujah should sleep easy tonight.
Wait...I'm thinking of someone else. Rumsfeld said that?
PEOPLE OF FALLUJAH! RUN! YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND YOURSELF ON THE LOSING END OF A RUMSFELD DECREE! RUN I TELL YOU!

The bad Clinton

2004-11-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

Assuming we still have democratic elections in 2008,
let's talk about the democratic challenger to Rudy
Guliani.
Actually, that's probably a little flip, my hunch is
that Rudy's post 9/11 glow will continue to fade, and
the whole brash New York thing won't play so well in
the sticks.
Regardless, on the left, there's already way too much
speculation about a possible Hilary run.
Stop this at once. Seriously. Stop it.
I don't know why the Clintons are such intensly
polarizing figures. Personally, I'm pretty lukewarm on
the both of them. But you don't need a pollster around
to tell you that giant swaths of this country despise
Hilary Clinton. Running H.C. would gaurantee a loss of
Mondale-ian proportions. I have no doubt of this.
A staunch republican friend of mine conceded that he
was considering voting for John Kerry
for no other reason than to prevent
a potential Hilary run in '08.
Again. People do not like Hilary Clinton.
I know the Oprah crowd made her book a smash, but most people who purchased were interested in lurid accounts of Bill's transgressions, not Hilary's inspiring story.
On another note, the Jamboree was suprised to open up his Saturday USA Today and find that John Ashcroft was likely to resign this week. It's going to be difficult for the administration to find anyone more repugnant that Johnny A. to be AG, but if recent history is any guide, here's betting they manage to pull it off.

No joy in pigville

2004-11-03T18:52:00.002-05:00

Well, everyone's pretty upset over at the pigjamboree household. Indeed, today the jamboree is officially the Pig-dirge.
Look here, though. There's sure to be a silver lining around this blackest of black cloud.
Let us consider the consequences of four more years of Bush/Cheney, along with the surprisingly positive benefits of said consequences.

Birds dead- It's so hard to sleep with all that chirpin'!
Fish dead- They're in fish heaven now!
All endangered species dead- Gosh, at least they're no longer endangered!
Rich/Poor gap widened- Everyone knows God hates poor people!
Forests gone- You could have gotten lost in that forest!
More war- You aren't a sissy are you!?
Social programs slashed-More proof of the eradication of the communist menace!
World hates us- Cuz they're jealous!
Bankrupting deficits- It's like a present for our children's children! Even a bad present is better than none at all!
Verification of this administration as worst of the past 100 years-Warren G. Harding is totally happy now!

Ugh, this isn't even funny to those of us at PigJamboree. It's just sad.

Bin Laden translation

2004-10-30T13:23:00.000-04:00

Having long distrusted the conventional news media, I had to translate the latest Bin Laden tape myself to verify its contents. So, after a long night with my Arab-American Dictionary, I'm able to report that the "warning" from Osama is a far cry from what's been reported. My translation follows:

"Infidels, it's your boy Osama again. I have many things to say to you, but first things first. The Boston Red Sox? I hear this and nearly crap my robe! I spend one year in a cave and suddenly the America I love to hate has gone all topsy-turvy. Allah be praised that threw me for a loop. Perhaps your Arizona Cardinals are poised to win your "Super Bowl", too yes? And your "Yahn-keys", they choke like Osama on a porkchop, no?"
Now, there will be much talk of the timing of my message, I realize. Oh, Osama is trying to influence election!, they will say. It is not true. The fact is, Osama cares not about your democratic process. The truth is, when you live in a cave and your only neighbors are goats and he who take care of goat, when camera man comes by, you take that opportunity to make tape. Camera man comes last week, so I make tape. It's the logistics, stupid.
But as long as you've got Osama started, let us talk of the politics. Bush and Kerry? This is the best you have to offer, America? I do not think so. I study your land for sometime, and I see many whom I imagine are preferable leaders. Off the top of my turban, I have many: =
Cher: She sing and act and is ageless! A fine leader, to be sure.
Lou Holtz: Have you seen the turnaround at South Carolina? That man can coach!
Walt Disney: I admit, even Osama loved "The Lion King"
The Carrot Top: I know, I know, but he makes Osama laugh. I am sorry.
There, four for four, of the top of head. Osama is genius, no?
Americans, serious now. I see that "Friends" is canceled and I am so upset! What will Osama do on Thursday? Osama loved "Friends!" And I see they have the spin-off "Joey". Osama is dubious, to be sure. Osama remembers "Rhoda." But I watch and do you know? Allah be praised is so funny! And the girl from Sopranos? Oh my, Osama is just really loving it.
Camera man is signaling that battery is low. Osama must get back to cave. Death to your culture.

Thanks Jon Bon. Don't call us, we'll call you.

2004-10-29T12:26:00.000-04:00

Who's screening the celebrity endorsements these days?
Yesterday's triumphant Kerry-Springsteen rally was
nearly overshadowed by the craptastic debacle that was
the Jon Bon Jovi-Edwards joint appearance.
Lookit. This isn't rocket science.
Bruce= Beloved national folk hero. Adored world-wide.
Unparralleled record of artistic integrity.
Jon Bon= Beloved in rapidly diminishing stretches of
coastal New Jersey. Unparralleled record of sucking.
Moreover, and I can't stress this enough: you don't
put a man with better hair on the same stage as John
Edwards. Do not, repeat, do not distract from that
Vice-presidential coiffure. Take away the hair and
people are going to get bored with that "daddy swept
floors at the factory" speech.
It's like it's suddenly amateur hour over on the
Kerry-Edwards campaign. Pull it together guys.
On the bright side, I'm sure Jon Bon locked up the
crucial demographic of Aqua-netted acid-washed
skeeball players.

GW's post election itinerary Part II

2004-10-27T14:52:00.000-04:00

If I lose:
9 am: Wake up. Rent "Beaches". Cry a little.
10 am: Reflect on all the good I did.
10:01 am: Remember that reflection is Laura's thing. Move on.
11 am: Update Resume. See if Mr. Cheney will serve as reference.
12 pm: Call Crawford Hardware. Enquire about stockboy position.
1 pm: Call Horseface. Make fart noises into phone. Hang up. Repeat.
2 pm: Shotgun Miller Lites with the twins.
3 pm: Call Colin. Apologize for the emasculation and everything.
4 pm: Plan Coalition of the Willing surprise party.
5 pm: Take some "me" time. Stop sweating the small stuff.
6 pm: Write thank you letters to the cabinet.
7 pm: Eat like, a ton of chocolate ice cream!
8 pm: Put on PJs. Ask Laura to read me bedtime story of Grover Cleveland and his non-consecutive terms. Git all fired up for '08.

G.W.'s election day itinerary

2004-10-26T09:13:00.000-04:00

If I win:
9:00 a.m. Call and taunt Jeb.
10 a.m. Call Stinky, Lemmy, Buckshot, Bullseye, Trickdaddy, Moleboy and the rest of the DKE crew.
11 a.m. Get wasted with the brothers.
12 p.m. Find Jesus. Resolve to quit drinking (for the rest of the day!)
1 p.m. Quell riots.
2 p.m. Wrestle with Barney
3 p.m. Dismantle remainder of New Deal social programs
4 p.m. Watch Judge Judy (next Sup ct. Justice?!)
5 p.m. Nap
6 p.m. Eat dinner (macaroni and cheese and toast!)
7 p.m. Sell National Parks
8 p.m. Tax cut
9 p.m. Watch "According to Jim", Tivo "Gilmore Girls"
10 p.m. Look into grave and growing threat that is Canada.
11 p.m. Sleep like a lamb. Have the superhero dream again (I wish!)

Arancio Fuedo Syrah

2004-10-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

This Sicillian Syrah is the perfect remedy for all the over-bearing fruit-crazy Australian Shirazes everyone seems to be so nuts about. Simple, earthy, full of flavor and food-friendly, and at 6.99 at the local wine shop, buy a few of this boy.

Bill

2004-10-25T16:14:00.000-04:00

So, if you're GW, you ask yourself this:
How badly have I screwed up the country that Slick Willy bounds back onto the scene, and voters are reminded of a purer, more innocent time?
Dude, Bill Clinton has a stronger moral compass than you.
Bill.
Clinton.
Look, I love Bill as much as the next Democrat, but anyone who doesn't think he's a creep is kidding themselves.
Also, let us reflect on those people who were once worthy of our admiration, but due to their relentless shilling for Bush/Cheney '04, are no longer so:
John McCain- So, you loathe, loathe, loathe, George Bush and everyone knows it. Also, you and John Kerry are good friends. Also, you are hitting the road talking about what a superb president G.W. is. Ummm, so when do you yell "psyche!", put GW in a headlock and give him the noogie of a lifetime.
Rudy Guliani- Rudy, you're pro-choice. Your best friend are gay. Go sit in the corner.
Laura Bush- Don't be fooled. She'd grind your bones to make her bread if she could.
Arnold- Never worthy of our admiration, I grant you. But formerly harmless like a big Austrian puppy. Now? Harmful like a big Austrian puppy. Uncle Teddy is Pissed.
George W. Bush- I know I'm not the only one who held out hope the President would take a good long look at the facts and endorse Kerry. Now that it's been revealed that George W. Bush is a big George W. Bush supporter, I lose all all (all!) respect.

Castle Rock Pinot Noir

2004-10-22T13:16:00.000-04:00

Why do I even bother with sub $10 pinot?
Oh right, because I have so little money. Well then, in that case,
this $9.99 offering is not terribly shabby. Set your expectations low and you might be pleasantly surprised. Fuller bodied than your typical pinot, that's for sure.

More than just bacon

2004-10-20T16:27:00.000-04:00

Should I ever find myself drafted, or a wanted criminal, it's good to know I won't have to go without decent wine. Why?
It's simple--Canada puts out a very respectable product.
While vacationing in Ontario some months back, I let the lady at the local liquor store steer me towards a few choice bottles. Each one I've since had has been really delicious, and none cost over $9 American.
The Eastern Canadian wine growing region is located in southern Ontario, near the shores of the Great Lakes. The unique microclimate produces excellent Rieslings and Cabs, as well as some lesser known varieies like the Baco Noir.
This week I opened a bottle of Jackson-Triggs Meritage, a blend of Cab Sav and Franc and Merlot. As is apparently typical, the flavors are lean and tight,--the polar opposite of California or Australia--but I found the wine to be incredibly interesting, and eminently drinkable. If sold here in Virginia, I'd buy it all the time.
God bless you crazy canucks.

An open letter to my constishents

2004-10-19T17:56:00.000-04:00

Murican People,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank y'all good, strong folk for standing behind ol G W the past few weeks. Did y'all see my debates with "Scary Kerry"? Ya did? Dang, whatsamatter with you folks? Shoulda known your pal G.W. can't hang with them Yale boys....I did?...When?...the 60s? Well, I'm sure my matriculation was totally awesome!
The message of them debates was clear. My opponent, I'll call him "horseface" on account of his horse-like face! Heh heh heh heh. Cuz his long face? Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Naw I'm serious. Horseface is what I like to call a "September 10" person. Lookit, a "September 11 person,"--which FYI I am-- does not act like that. You see ol GW taking up with a saucy European ketchup heiress? Heck no! That crap is pure September 10. Look at my girl Laura. She don't even like ketchup!
Horseface also likes to pass "global tests". Y'all like tests? I hate 'em. English, countin', breathalyzer, none ever been good to GW and it's never been good to the Murican people. "Hey everyone, I'm horseface, Oh world, yea world, hey could you please give me a test? Also, you forgot to give America homework, don't forget! I loves homework!"
Y'all like that? That's my horseface.
Lookit, I'm splitting'. I love y'all. Vote for Stinky Jeb in '08.
GW

Columbia Crest Two Vines Shiraz 2002

2004-10-18T21:09:00.000-04:00

There's a lot of buzz around this wine. Wine Spectator gave the 2001 90 points, and the Washington Post called the 2002 even better. A WS 90 point rating for an $8 wine is unheard of, so I was eager to snap up both the 2001 and 2002. After drinking them both, I'm reminded of just how subjective a subject wine is, and moreover, how silly numerical ratings are. The bottom line: I don't really care for this wine, just like I don't care for bananas; just like I don't care for raisins. I just don't really like the taste. To me, this is a one note pony (pardon the mixed metaphor) of smooth, big fruit. It's ok, but it reminds me very much of the 20 other $8 Australian Shirazes my supermarket currently stocks. Interestingly, my friends tended to really enjoy this bottle
If offered, I would gladly drink a glass of this wine. On the other hand, I would not buy this wine, and I can think of twenty wines in the same price range I would much prefer.

Post Election Fallout

2004-10-17T11:30:00.000-04:00

Let's assume for a moment that Kerry wins, the election is not seriously contested, and G.W. and his goons agree to vacate the White House by the January inauguration. (The latter two scenarios appear increasingly unlikely, I realize.) What happens in the Nov-Jan interregnun? I tell you what happends-- a whole bunch of awful stuff.
Recall that good 'ol Bill Clinton used his lame duck period to usher through a host of radical, impressive executive orders. He issued the Roadless Rule for America's Wilderness areas, for instance. Snowmobiles were banned in a variety of National Parks, too. Now, unless you were a timber company, a jerk, or a jerky timber company, those sorts of executive orders were fantastic, and you were delighted to see Clinton finally do something beneficial with his presidency. He also used this time period to pardon a bunch of creeps, too, but I choose not to dwell on that.
Now, imagine Karl Rove, Richard "Dick" Cheney, and George (who will no doubt be locked in his room, blasting ZZ Top, still pouting from the election results--Karl and Dick have long since learned he can be lured out with the promise of a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, however) with just two more months to remake the world to their liking. So, G.W. wins, four more years of slow and steady national destruction. G.W. loses, two months to cram the four year plan in.
I do hope they pardon Martha Stewart, though. That poor woman.

Georges Duboeuf 2003 Reserve Shiraz

2004-10-17T11:24:00.000-04:00

This $7 dollar wine is part of a new line of Duboeuf wines aimed at the American market, hence a French wine calling itself a "Shiraz" instead of "Syrah". Robert Parker recently raved about this wine, giving it 88+ points. Personally, I give it a big fat, "ehhhhh?" It's lean and fruity, which is nice, but it also tastes very, very young, and has that weird hint of banana that Beaujolais Nouveau packs. Georges Duboeuf, coincidentally, is considered the king of B. N. So, worth $7? Probably so, but nothing to get too worked up about.

Wine words that have to go

2004-10-15T16:55:00.000-04:00

Too often, people who write wine reviews use impossibly obscure flavors or scents to describe a wine taste or smell. This has to stop.
Here are five overused descriptive words that I never want to read again, as they mean nothing to me:
1. Cassis
2. Lychee
3. Lemon Curd
4. Currant
5. Gooseberry
Now maybe some of you are eating gooseberries and currants by the handful. But I doubt it.

Cheney Daughter

2004-10-15T11:41:00.000-04:00

Dick, Lynne, please settle down.
Was it perhaps a little distasteful for Kerry to bring up Mary Cheney's homosexuality in answering a question. Yea, probably.
But it's also relevant.
Look, if the president is going to make a major issue in his campaign the fact that homosexuals are icky--which, realistically, he has--then the fact that his #2 has a gay daughter--one working for the campaign no less!-- is extremely relevant.
Now, while Kerry's words were poorly chosen, the backlash reeks of political opportunism. Oh Lynne and Dick are so mad, oooh, that Kerry he's so dirty! Give me a break.
Let's recall that John Edwards said much the same thing about Mary Cheney during the VP debate, and I believe Dick's comments were something along the lines of "Thank you, I appreciate that."
Cool it, Dick.
Easy there, Lynne.
You guys want to get mad? Why aren't you pissed at G. W. for just saying that he thinks your daughter's lifestyle might be a choice. Is that not more offensive?
Oh right, can't insult the big guy. Sorry. Keep fighting the good not-at-all politically-motivated-or-shameful fight.

Haircut brings good news

2004-10-15T11:18:00.001-04:00

The middle-aged lady who cut my hair at the hair-cuttery gave me reason to hope yesterday. This lady, who I instinctually deduced was not much on current events (I know, I know, I'm a horrible snob, blah blah blah...), informed me that she had, in fact, watched all of the debates. That alone was heartening, but the best news came when she said, "Yea, I think I'm going to go for Kerry. I was for Bush, but I don't know. Kerry seems more concerned with the people."
That's it.
But's it's huge.
My haircut looks like crap, though.

2002 Domaine De La Brune

2004-10-14T14:32:00.000-04:00

This blend of Syrah and Mourvedre from the Languedoc region of France is among the best wine values you're ever likely to come across. Nice mix of earth and leather notes to go with the fruit. A very, very interesting wine. About $7.00 at my local supermarket; the area wine stores consistently stock it, too, at a similar price.

Kerry kills

2004-10-14T09:19:00.000-04:00

Bush was beaten badly last night. Rarely has the President appeared so outclassed on so many fronts. He was a 6 foot man in a 7 foot pool. While Bush was trying to strike the perfect balance in demeanor (No smirking! Look happy! Not that happy, googly-eyes!), Kerry had his new, concise and forceful demeanor down pat. There were moments--when Kerry spoke of religion, for instance--that were just damn near perfect. I felt he hit the ball out of the park on about 4 or 5 occasions.
Bush, on the other hand, came off as angry, self-righteous, and very, very blinky. (George, sweetheart, mix in some visine. Please).
My favorite Bush moments came when he repeatedly spoke of "unleashing the armies of compassion." Who wrote that crap?
Will the "armies of compassion" be supported by the "Air Force of Love"? Perhaps the "Navy of Sweetness" will come equipped with its tender torpedoes.
What a dreadful performance on the President's part.
On another note, why does John Kerry keep giving Laura Bush shout-outs? Is he angling for a date?

2000 Sylvie Spielman Bergheim Riesling

2004-10-13T09:42:00.000-04:00

If you're still not drinking riesling, you're missing out. No other white wine delivers as much excitement at such affordable prices. This bone-dry 2000 Alsacian one I had last night hit on all the important points--acidic, minerally, citrus, etc.--all for $10! Now, whereas you can generally find any number of excellent cabs, chards or merlots in your local supermarket, riesling selections tend poorly picked and overly sweet. This is one grape where paying a visit to your local wine shop will make all the difference.

Best tasting vodka

2004-10-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

Into every mouth, a little vodka must occasionally fall. Seriously, what's not to like? It mixes well, drinks fine on its own, and offers up a range of flavors--from fruit to minerals.
A trip to your local spirit retailer will no doubt present you with an overwhelming number of choices, as the vodka market has exploded in recent years. First things, first, spend the extra $ for quality. While a handle of vodka for $10 may have seemed like a good idea while you were in college, you'd be a fool to put any of that garbage in your body now--being the discerning consumer that you are. (Aren't you?)
Expect to pay between $15 and $24 for 750 ml. bottle of good vodka. You could pay more, but really there's no need to. And considering you're not an alcoholic (Are you?), a fifth of vodka should last you a good long while.
Here, in a rough order off the top of my head, are five excellent, well priced vodkas, each with distinctive flavors and all easy on the head the next morning.
1. Citadelle (Far and away the finest)
2. Rain
3. Tito's (Made in Texas!)
4. Three Olives
5. Ketel One

Internets

2004-10-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --George W. Bush, October 8, 2004.

Hmmm, I heard tell of internets before, but I had no idea they was so malicious. God willing, George W. Bush (bless his heart) will take action, rid this country of them internets once and for all.
Now, I better get. Truckosaurus is stompin monster trucks at the Forum tonight, and I promised the Mrs. I'd take her out fer her Birthday.

Cavit Pinot Noir

2004-10-11T10:24:00.000-04:00

Cavit is a large and popular Italian line of generally unremarkable wines. Their Pinot Grigio and Merlot appears to appeal to the demographic that likes to mix in a little vino with their Miller Light. Not surprisingly, their Pinot is as a generic as it comes, lacking any of the strawberry, coffee-earthiness that marks a solid pinot. Granted, this wine retails for about $7.00. Nevertheless, save your money

Lies and Primitivo

2004-10-09T23:11:00.000-04:00

"I guess you could say I'm a good steward of the land", Bush said during the debate the other night, at the tail end of his wholly disengenuous spiel on his horrid envrionmental record.
Well, yes, George, you could say that, you could also say you're intelligent, trustworthy,thoughtful and not the worst president of the 20th century. None of these things would be true, mind you, but you could say them.
Drank a D&N Primitivo this evening with some peanut soup. Nuts are always a tricky pair, and this was no exception. The wine, though, is excellent. Worth every bit of its $7.99 price tag at the local Whole Foods. As you know, primitivo is what the Italians call Zinfandel. Just try to find a Zin this good in this price range. I give it a score of 145 on my impossibly complicated and unknowable 194 point scale.

Five good bargain reds

2004-10-08T11:11:00.000-04:00

Here are five excellent wine values, in no particular order. All are readily available, and none top the $11 mark.

1. Columbia Crest Grand Estates Cabernet Sauvignon
2. Rock Rabbit Syrah
3. Alamos Malbec
4. Veramonte Cabernet Sauvignon
5. A-mano Primitivo

Not fine Virginia wine

2004-10-07T21:30:00.000-04:00

Here in Virginia, we have a number of vineyards that produce a fair amount of very good wine. Seriously good wine, not just "good for Virginia wine" or what have you. Unfortunately, the folks at Cardinal Point are not leaders of the pack. I had the Cardinal Point 2003 Mertitage tonight. It's a blend of Cab Franc, Merlot, Cab Sav...and maybe something else. Anyway, it stinks. Thin and watery with that "green pepper" flavor a lot of underdeveloped wines possess. The worst part? Set me back about $18. You've got to think that the folks at the vineyard knew they had a turkey on their hands when they put it in the bottle.
For shame.

Casillero De Diablo Cab

2004-10-07T12:00:00.000-04:00

These folks have a number of different wines operating under a number of different labels. The Casillero De Diablo is something like their midgrade, and tends to retail for about $10 a bottle. All of their wines are of generally high-quality, but at $10, I can find other bottles that I much prefer. This week my local supermarket had the whol line on sale for $7.50, which is a fine price.
The Cabernet Sauvignon is my favorite, I think. It's a big full, wine, with a nice touch of earthiness about it. Definitely worth drinking.

Good wine/ lousy vice president

2004-10-06T16:16:00.000-04:00

Edwards won the debate. Not by a ton and maybe not even on content, but overall he appeared smarter, friendlier and more trustworthy than Captain Pacemaker. If nothing else, he helped Kerry by not slowing the momentum still building from last week's Prez debate.
While watching Silky Johnny do battle with Richard, I was lucky enough to be drinking on a really top notch $7 bottle of wine. Casa Solar Plata 2001 is simply as good as it gets in the sub-$8 range. I think it's a blend of Tempranillo and something else, but the label doesn''t specify. It's absolutely delicious, though.
I remember that my local Kroger once had it on sale for 4.99 a bottle. It's case-worthy at that price.

Yalumba Viognier

2004-10-05T09:32:00.000-04:00

White wine is generally not my thing--in my price range it just seems to lack the depth of a red. The Yalumba Viognier was a pleasant surprise, though. At 8.99, the wine was fruity and crisp, with typical flavors for the varietal. Definitely a wine to keep on hand.
Remember, George Bush doesn't drink wine. He drinks, (snicker, snicker)...non-alcoholic beer!
Man, can we please get with of this goof?
D

Kerry 1, Monkeyboy 0

2004-10-01T09:53:00.000-04:00

Kerry bested George W. Bush in every possible way last night. The Mass. Senator came off looking smart, polished and strong. Kerry's even, steady delivery contrasted nicely with the stops and starts and "umms" and "uhhhhs" of Sweaty McPetulant.
Maybe I'm getting carried away here, but the debate left me with the impression that ol' Long Face could be a great--not merely decent--president.
Another bright note--considering the foreign policy debate was supposed to be Bush's ace in the hole--and yet he still flubbed things badly--the remaining two engagements should be pure gravy for Kerry.

Trapiche Malbec

2004-09-29T21:50:00.000-04:00

Drank the 2003 trapiche malbec this evening. An agreeable wine by any standard, the dark purple, hearty trapiche was made all the better by its 6.49 price tag at my local supermarket.
As Malbecs go, Norton and Alamos offer you a more refined product for just a couple of dollars more--but in this price range, no complaints here. I enjoyed it with a Grilled Tuna steak, asparagus and a box of Near East Cous Cous.
Also, lest anyone forget, George w. Bush is the worst president of the 20th century....now back to the Malbec.

I dislike John O'neill's face

2004-09-29T16:08:00.000-04:00

Regarding that fellow, John O'neill, who "wrote" the most recent discraceful screed against John Kerry:
I see him on Fox News all the time, and I want to challenge him to a duel. Seriously, that guy is such a jerk--I look forward to the end of his 15 minutes.